Five Minute Faces – as Carmindy, the Makeup Artist from What Not to Wear

by Andrew Campana

Hi gorgeous, how are you!
I’m really excited to work on you—
look at this new hair colour!
It really makes your skin tone just look luminous and amazing.
We’ve got a lot of work to do, though, honey.
What I want to do is even out your skin tone—you have GORGEOUS skin—
I want to highlight the cheekbones, I want to bring in the right bronzer
and we’re also going to do something light on these beautiful lips of yours
which are so pretty.

They’re so pretty.

You excited?

I’m not going to show any of this to you until it’s all finished
so I’m going to spin you around and we’re going to get started.

This liquid foundation is really light and is going to even out your skin.
It’s made of light and it’s going to even out your skin.
It’s marble dust and mashed pomegranate seeds and Styx-water
and it’s going to even out your skin
even out your skin
even without your skin.

The way to apply bronzer is in a c-formation on the sides of your face
starting at the temple and going right underneath the cheekbones
to make you look as sun-kissed as Icarus.
Start at the temple and descend down, down, down below the bones
just dip the sides of your face in the molten rivers of bronze
like one of Hephaestus’ automata.
and say hi to him for me, by the way
He has GORGEOUS skin.

Ok, we’re going to start off using a chocolate brown pencil on your eyes
because we’re going to make these baby blues really POP
we’re going to make them POP
we’re going to POP
we’re going to POP them
they’re going to POP
we’re going to make them POP
like Oedipus’s.
Like balloons.
Like overfilled wineskins.

And now we’re going to top off your entire look with a little shimmering lip gloss
just a nice, clear, lip gloss
to brighten up those lips
I recommend something nectar-based
and, of course, a diet rich in ambrosia
for its anti-aging benefits.
It’s an anti-oxidant.

You are beautiful! Sophisticated! Polished!
Trust me.
I’m Carmindy.
I’m the Furies and the Graces.
I’m the Gorgons freezing everyone into five-minute faces.
I’m all the Fates rolled into one.
I’m making you all up.

Are you ready?
I’m going to spin you around now.

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