by Elliott Ocean

It all started with a lie, being one place, but claiming to be elsewhere.
All I wanted was to to fill my social bucket, to satisfy the need to be leisurely with others.
There was music, there were smiles as wide as the sea,
You offered your bed to me.
I was naive enough to believe in the innocence of such offer,
I was drunk, I was tired.
I remember the silkiness of the sheets & the warmth of the blankets.
I remember dozing off.
You awoke me to ask if I minded you sleeping next to me.
I didn’t mind.
You crawled into bed as I scooted over.
I closed my eyes as I pulled the covers up over me.
The cadence of your breathing pattern soothed my being.
You put your arm around me,
My body quivered as if it were to split into pieces from the earthquake that is you,
The tectonic plates that are my skin shifted into hills of goosebumps.
Cuddling was okay, but I was nervous.
We were face to face.
I tried to control my breath,
Tried to control the static I felt in my limbs.
Our faces close, you kissed me.
I wasn’t prepared, I froze.
You kissed me harder, I kissed back, yet still frozen.
I wanted to sleep.
By now, the core of my being was filled with fear,
The canyon within me was flooding.
This went on & your hands began to search,
Searching for something that wasn’t yours.
My mind was a monsoon of ‘No’,
My stomach twisted,
& words, words did not exist.
I never spoke, never moaned, never gave a glimpse of affirmation.
I wanted to be free of this disaster, I wanted to go back in time and take my lie away.
I was told I was lucky. I was told “Oh he’s so attractive, I’m jealous”.
But I never asked for your storm,
I never asked to be frozen.

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