Captain Fucko

by Ty Rooney

“Captain Fucko Just followed you on OkCupid
Would you like to send Captain Fucko a message?”

Dear Captain Fucko from OkCupid.

I’ve lost all sense of love. I play pictionary with the universe, and it’s too bad I’m not artistic. I drop pennies on the street on purpose in hopes of picking up my luck later. Captain Fucko you like star signs, and hate God? Me too. Captain Fucko, I think we are soul mates 99% match. Let’s give the world something to clap for, let’s make the walls vibrate. I’ll only want to fuck you to cuddle after, or see your dog, or drink the cheap wine you bought me, or eat all your personal pizzas. I’ve had so many one night stands. I still get sad leaving in the morning. I have emotional attachment “problems”. I guess the only way I can explain this is by telling you; that this bee used to sit outside my door and one day it stung my finger and I cried when it died, because that damn bee was consistent.

Captain Fucko; what the hell type of superhero is that? What are you saving me from? Why did you go with Captain? Is it Captain as in a “Captain of a Ship” or Captain as in Captain of a Spaceship? I just would like to know if you’re going to drowned me or make me see stars. I don’t believe in heroes anymore.

I know we aren’t supposed to talk about “ex’s” on the first date.

But, I don’t even know if I can call her an “ex”.

See, we never were really together.

I think the only way I can describe this is by telling you that when I was little I never understood the length of the ocean. How could something touching my toes stretch millions of miles I would never get to see? What I’m trying to ask you is- how could she be touching me and thinking about other oceans?

I’m sorry I am only telling you about someone else. She’s the only good conversation topic I can think of lately. The only way I can describe this to you is by telling you, when I was a little kid I still believed in Santa Claus even after I found out he wasn’t real. I thought maybe it was okay to find things beautiful even if they didn’t exists. Did you know people could do that to you Captain Fucko?

Make you feel like maybe you didn’t exist?

Damn….Captain Fucko, I am sorry to tell you all this “honest” that is inside me. What I meant to ask is;

Do you like Thai food?

Me too.

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