by Paul Hanson Clark

i just drank some fiji water
once i didn’t even know who kyle crawford was
once when me & conor were working the night desk at abel hall, conor got pissed off at me for saying i was going to buy a reese’s w/ the dollar he gave me
conor invented this way to steal gatorade & chocolate milk from the dorm pop machines
the trick was: put yr arm in the machine & grab a gatorade or chocolate mlik
once when i walked into kyle & conor’s room for the first time
kyle said something abt my shirt
i said it was a band & he said he knew the band
then i feebly attempted to explain that my neighbor growing up was in the band
i remember feeling awkward at points during the interaction
that shirt had big sleeves
neither of us were poets
neither of us knew eva
she was still in hs
at the time, kyle was dating this girl, who was also still in hs
once, years later, when we were getting drunk in eva’s enclosed porch
kyle almost called that girl, but didn’t
mike vandenberg said it would be a bad idea
i can’t remember her name
the last time i tried to talk to conor i called him
& he sounded happy to hear me
& asked what i was doing
& i said driving
& he asked if he could call me back later
& i said ya
but i was on my way to mccook
where i’m on roaming & don’t get cell reception
when i left mccook, i drove south to ks
so i could drive through ks
& pick justin up from topeka
& while i was driving i felt alone
so i tweeted my phone # & asked ppl to call me
but nobody called
so i called teal
& left her a voicemail
initially i was only going to leave one
but a little while later she texted me & told me to leave her more
so i did
while i was doing that, i stopped at a gas station & got some coconut water & sunflower seeds
& i consumed them while continuing to call teal & leave her voicemails
i felt like it was less safe to call somoene while drinking coconut water & driving
than it was to just call someone while driving
in an email to debbie i vaguely tried to explain how i feel lonely & unloveable
i want to read this book by kent haruf called the tie that binds & email my dad abt it
neal is listening to rap music
yesterday, i typed the word “popcorn” into my gmail & figured out what kind of popcorn i sent eva a couple years ago then sent her some more
today she told me she liked the kanye west song on the mix i made her
it goes, “i know yr tired of loving w/ nobody to love”
i haven’t spoken to kyle in weeks
w/ some friends i fear i will never hear their voice again
when i was walking out of my house this morning
neal pulled up in a best buy truck
& i stuck my tongue out all rock & roll like

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