regrettable deathsign

by Spencer Garrison

i am her heartbeat
i am th flower n her hair
i am lunch trays on packed snowhill
four lokos under th spider branch dandruff pine
three graves at home w two teenagers lying softly
melting snow to reach th dead below .

i am cold heartbeat
dead flower on yr grave
i am lunch tray splattered apple sauce
we’re getting drunk off four lokos
hanging warm perspiration from our noses dripping
K E R PLUNK on yr deadman’s stone rock face .

i am littering th snow yellow &
i am staring up at th digital blips that bloom blossom n nanoseconds
surprising me
making me feel ultra human small
i wonder how u must feel underneath
with the maggots
crushing softened bone
i bet the coffin hasnt preserved yr face
can u feel yr arms rest at th head of th table ?

i wonder where yr power went –
memory of yr slurring drunken powerstance spitting hypocritical wisdom
at my reluctant face during th 2012 superbowl,
motley crue shirt waving over my trembling bony body
underneath th prime rib meat muscle you

god i need to drink more milk
itll make me stronger than u
ill throw it up
but maybe my heart will beat happier than yours –
memory of u laughing at th dancing elephant on tv
because “how often do u see a dancing elephant ?”

i dont want to drain my mothers breast –
she got implants to hide her inability –
id rather pull ur work from underneath her
putting her down there
with you
to lie forever weakening by th hour while this girl and i sit on top and drink yr wine
sinking closer speaking of the stars (w th shining sky coins u rightfully earned now jingling n my pocket )
staring at that dripping freezing regrettable deathsign –
a snotrocket on yr headstone

in between two graves i ask her if shes ever stolen money before
and she says no
th unsurprising innocence n her voice. .

this selfish resentment, this uncharacteristic nihilism
it’s all just me screaming at yr grave
“I MISS YOU
I WANT TO FEEL YOU AGAIN . “

O god would i kiss u n yr tomb.

this girl i lay above u with,
id take all her fathers money & spend it on my deadly habits
just to save the rest of our family from going down under w You .

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