Virgin

by Ariana Loss-Cutler

HELP
I lost my virginity.
No, I mean I really lost it and
I can’t find it anywhere because
I don’t have it and I don’t
actually remember ever having it
because
I was never taught that sharing the
flesh and sweat of another
meant that I would lose
something of myself
HELP
because
I have embraced as many lovers
as I have years and
not once did any of them say
“don’t you feel empty
without your virginity?”
HELP
because
allowing myself to be vulnerable and
to communicate and
to touch and
to feel and
to love the way my dark curls form
a canopy over your eyes
so that for a moment
nothing else exists except
the smiles on our lips
is seen as a character flaw
HELP
Have you seen my virginity?
Because if you do, please
say hello to
my I-don’t-know-how-to-swim and
my I-haven’t-flown-on-a-plane and
my I-haven’t-made-a-snow-angel
because that is where it must be:
with all the other experiences
that I am now more whole
for having had.

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