text exchange

by Laura

part I: day one and confession

sun and
wine stained seats
and your undivided
your wholly-divided
your holy, divided attention

and warmth
and grass
and your warmth
and my embarrassing desires
shameful in light of your apathy.
you can care less than me

you say something mean
I can’t help but laugh
because you are a child or you are crazy
because I don’t believe you

sort of like how I cringe when people say “objectively”
because what the fuck is that about?
and have you ever believed anyone after they said that?

I’ve found my self face down in the dirt
resigned to this place which
is all my own
I’ll wait for you here

———

part II: exacting revenge exactly right

You’ve spent the last 7 weeks trying to clear your conscience of the mean thing that you did
I’ve spent the last 8 hours thinking up a way to hurt you really bad

what I’ve come up with: 
-telling you I hate your haircut 
-and your hair color 
-and the general thickness of your hair
-and how the general thickness prohibits any true swaying hair motions 
-telling you I’m in love with your girlfriend 
-and that she’s way better than you 
-kissing your girlfriend 
-and then telling you 
or 
-and then not telling you but both me and your girlfriend know 
-and then empathizing with her about how you’re a bad kisser 
-and then it turns out we’re both better kissers than you 
-finding a way to get you fired so that everyone thinks you’re a total bum 
-finding a way to make sure you stay at this job forever 
-because I know you hate it 
-because then I could just let our boss be mean to you and I wouldn’t have to come up 
with anything else 
-because nothing hurts worse than alienated labor 
-not texting you back when you text me 
-telling all your friends what you said to me 
-and embellishing slightly so that they think it was really, really mean 
-breaking in to your apartment and staining all your clothing with my menstrual blood 
-and then holding you captive for 2 days so when I let you go: 
-you try to wash it and it won’t come out all the way 
or 
-you beg me to keep you as my captive forever 
-finding someone else to love so you would think I was totally over you 
-and I absolutely would be totally over you 
-telling you I forgive you even though you never really apologized 
-making your misbehavior known publicly by: 
-going to the press with it by: 
-writing a letter to the editor in which I mention your misbehavior 
or 
-writing a letter to an advice columnist seeking advice on your misbehavior 
or 
-standing on a street corner telling passersby stories about your misbehavior 
-and how you still hug me always 
-totally forgetting all about you

———

part III: therefore:

all the apologies I never asked for
the ones I did that I never received
and all the ways in which my resentment builds
I am sour milk
spoiled by time and exposure

you text me:
“all good don’t worry”
you text me:
“yr the best”
you text me:
“I’m coming over”

I thought about asking you what I mean to you
but the things you say mean so little

I waste my time:
one day I will finish everything I ever started

(you included?)

———

part IV: coda

and so I loved you—

but

I hate remembering all the people that I’ve loved
and regretting it
because
what else is there to do with love you no longer have?

and maybe we’re just
spending too much time together

love,

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