a list of things i did during a manic episode at two am on a tuesday night in march

by Esther Liv

— ordered five poetry chapbooks online even though i really need to save money

— poured half a carton of orange juice and a quarter bottle of vodka into a flower vase and timed how fast i could drink it

— started doing the laundry but gave up halfway through which is probably a metaphor for how i’m incapable of finishing anything

— thought about how it hurt like hell but he called me gorgeous so i guess that makes it ok

— baked a goddamn chocolate cake because why not

— threw the entire goddamn chocolate cake in the trash because i didn’t deserve a piece of it anyway

— browsed amazon dot com for thirty minutes adding fourteen useless things to my wish list whilst thinking about how nothing matters anyway and i’m not sure i’ll make it to twenty

— found an old journal i wrote in when i was thirteen and opened to page number sixteen where i found a list titled ALL THE THINGS I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TURN INTO! it read my dad’s name seven times

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