by Luis Neer
last night i got blackout drunk
for the second time in my life
the first time, i told myself
i would never do it again
i was not going to go to the party
but i felt that everyone i knew was going
so i asked omar if i could tag along
i was interested in the beer pong table
how it made itself the center of the apartment
like a black hole, or a donut
the music was so loud
no one could hear each other talking
drunk boys were trying to talk to me
i was worried about all girls
i was trying to drink enough beer
to get drunk enough to be able to drink more beer
without wanting to gag or vomit
when i went outside to vomit, tommy followed me
i sort of remember walking while vomiting
with tommy walking behind me
but later someone told me
tommy had to help me walk
when i went back inside
i drank more beer
and tried to stand still
in what felt like a music video
and also like an organism
i didn’t think the party was about donald
or that i was getting so drunk
to avoid thinking about it
but even in the room of people
which felt ominous and important
holding cans of beer
concentrating on existing
between my shoulders
i knew my own history
i would not let myself go
i was very upset
with eyes like ribbon
sacred, looking around
i was upset
making myself sick