there are two hearts and one is a thunderbolt of mango and the other is a stomach

by Dan Hogan

i like you because we’re full of the same celebrities

at the next station the doors will open on the right hand side

and celebrities will be released into the carriage

*bleats like a goat*

that’s right

this goat loves to sing

i like you because of the national anthem

but only if the lyrics to the national anthem go something like: ♫ i carry a USB everywhere at all times with conair.avi on it no matter what ♫


at the next station the doors will open on the left hand side and somebody will canoe into the centre of the internet and begin the evacuation by convincing a family of whales to beach themselves

*unceasing bleats*

holiday idea: printer/scanner/beachball

i like you because pluto is a planet again but i don’t think pluto really cares what you call it

“i am an imperfect celestial sphere of ice and memory and awesome,” said pluto

*bleats as the goats do*

current mood: washing the back of a platypus with a tiny mop as being the highest paid job in the world, higher than any CEO

poem: you are loved

earliest childhood memory: waking to the sound of the invention of flavoured salt

brochure: printer/scanner/chicken salt


my oldest friend is a vending machine falling over in the tall grass

question: why do ppl always profusely apologise but never profusely pole vault?

myth busted: bob dylan is banksy

start-up idea: re-term ‘human’ and ‘humans’ as ‘non-platypus’ and ‘non-platypodes’ respectively

*weak bleats*

next stop: a salt and vinegar grease streak across your phone screen

but also across the universe

career highlight: you know you’ve made when there’s a pizza in the tree behind you


areas for improvement: we can’t see moths in the dark

strength: a moth’s unkillable commitment to the moon

last words: we hear their tiny moth bodies collide with kitchen appliances in the dark

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