we’re on a roller coaster, i’m nauseous but i don’t wanna get off

by Aleida M

we’re crying in a costco parking lot 
fiending for that intimacy we once felt
because every so often we lose it and
then i get depressed when i think you deserve much better 
sometimes i think i deserve better too most of the time it feels 
like i am already holding all the good that’s out there
large and fragile in my arms i hold on for dear life

the woman parked across from us is staring 
i wonder if she’s ever felt like a failure

on my knees on the stairs that lead up to your father’s bedroom
we’ve unearthed that intimacy and it takes us away
as usual so easily in the dark of the oakland warehouse
the delight of the freedom to touch taste tie
no time to worry about whether 
my roommates will hear us laughing when the cheap ikea
bed gives up and we keep fucking on the debris 
sometimes i’m so ashamed at the pleasure 
of the way you fill me in these moments

on the stairs in my mouth in my hands
i wonder if we could really feel things all that differently

the car seats are reclined as far as they can go 
we’re here again face to face with each other 
trying hard not to look away because we’re not ready
to be face to face with the end
honey let’s take the sobbing upstairs
and it becomes a perfectly choreographed waltz with
your head gently falling onto my heavy chest while hands wrap hands
when we make contact the weight is lifted and you fall asleep as quick as always
i hate that i can’t help but stare your at-peace tender face 
moving in perfect synchronicity with the rhythm of my unsteady
breath as it ruffles your hair 

i fall asleep with lips and tears in your hair
i wonder if anything lasts for ever

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