TINY NOWHERE

by Jessie Knoles

brilliant elixir 
fuck me up
fuck me dead
why does
academia 
hate me 
i’m ready to
sacrifice 
my body
to a career
something 
boring like
teaching teenagers
why romeo and 
juliet did or
didn’t die make my
grandparents proud
of me again
i pour this 
into my glass and
pour my glass into
the bathtub full of
rejection letters that
call me ‘jessica’ 
instead of 
jessie
this is the year
of being normal
let’s get married and
request fuzzy bath towels
let’s get married and
i’ll wear the white dress
and makeup
and smile 
for 12 hours until
my teeth fall out
or my chin
rots academia
what did i ever 
do to you would
i not make you
proud either
are you scared
of me am i 
not worthy enough
to pay you to 
rub me raw
kill me deader
than i already am
academia all i want
to do is 
walk down your
pathways and
smell your 
million dollar
flowers i am not
so full that i cannot
hunger i am not
so tired that i 
cannot stay up
for two years 
straight 
in this scenario
you are my grandparents
and you are proud
of me and i am 
sitting at the piano
with straight white
teeth and slender
fingers men can be
proud of and i never
get too drunk and i
always stay
in this line in 
this scenario 
we never fuck
up we never 
drink 
the sun on accident
we never forget
to turn faucets 
off magical
drinkable liquid
elixir
you promised me 
more than this

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